Cafeteria fantasy, reflections in a spoon
I think I'll leave my coffee
If my baby doesn't come soon

With the neon lights of a snack bar
There came a strange perfume
Of fallen leaves and roses
So I looked around the room

But nothing seemed unusual
The click of knife and fork
Punctuated mouthfuls of idle table talk

Cafeteria fantasy, reflections in a spoon
I think I'll leave my coffee
If my baby doesn't come soon

I went over to the cashier
To settle up my bill
She took the coins I gave her and put them in the till
I felt as though my life was coming to an end
When I heard a sweet voice saying
"I'm waiting for a friend"

Cafeteria fantasy, reflections in a spoon
I think I'll leave my coffee
If my baby doesn't come soon

It was then I saw my baby, my tears I could not hide
I walked up to her table just to be by her side
She smiled at me so sweetly, her eyes were soft and bright
And she said "I have to go now
Same time tomorrow night"

Cafeteria fantasy, reflections in a spoon
I think I'll leave my coffee
If my baby doesn't come soon

Download Link (right click, "save link as") From Innes Book of Records TV Show

Carry On Melissa

You flicker like a candle
In the soft and gentle breezes
Of a deep sea diver's nightmare
At a boulevard decanter
You flutter like an eagle
In the corner of a jam jar
While the spinning wheel keeps turnin'
Like a broken tam o'shanter

Carry on, Melissa, carry on
There's a long, long way to go
Carry on, Melissa, carry on
It's a long, long time ago

Music to slash your wrists by...

You struggle like a poodle
Being stuffed into a suitcase
But you never dress for dinner
And you seldom dine alone
I'm hungry for your goulash
And I'm peckish for your pizza
But you drift amongst the shadows
Of your parking meter zone

Carry on, Melissa, carry on
There's a long, long way to go
Carry on, Melissa, carry on
It's a long, long time ago

All together now... snoring
ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Oh, God!

Well, I'm sorry for your cousin
With the twisted stick of licorice
And the poodle in the suitcase
And your ever-troubled mind
But while they keep on coming
There's no quick and easy answer
Let your fingers do the walkin'
If your toes are not inclined

Carry on, Melissa, carry on
There's a long, long way to go
Carry on, Melissa, carry on
It's a long long time ago

All together now...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Perchance to dream?

Download Link (right click, "save link as") A live performance but we don't know from where or when.

Catchphrase

I wanna catchphrase, I wanna start a craze
I wanna gimmick, I wanna hit
I'm just a poor boy with a song and a smile
And not just another shallow entertainer
I'm
A-tellin' what I know is true
I wanna catchphrase
I wanna start a craze
I wanna make love to you!

Burn baby burn, shake baby shake,
One foot on the gas and one foot on the brake
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
A poet for a lie and a clown for the truth.

I wanna catchphrase, I wanna start a craze
I wanna gimmick, I wanna hit
I'm just a poor boy with a song and a smile
And not just another shallow entertainer
I'm a clean-cut boy-next-door
Tellin' what I know is true
I wanna catchphrase
I wanna start a craze
I wanna make love to you!

Burn baby burn, shake baby shake,
One foot on the gas and one foot on the brake
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
A poet for a lie and a clown for the truth.

I wanna catchphrase, I wanna start a craze
I wanna gimmick, I wanna hit
I'm just a poor boy with a song and a smile
And not just another shallow entertainer
I'm a clean-cut boy-next-door
Tellin' what I know is true
I wanna catchphrase
I wanna start a craze
I wanna make love to you! (Indeed I do!)
I wanna make love to you! (Indeed I do!)
I wanna make love to you!

Tab O' Gallery

Cat Meat Conga

Cut meat, cut meat,
In your tin
Did you once walk around like me?
If you could only speak
What would you say anyway?
"I was a sheep's head"
"And I was its lung"
"And I was the liver in a horse"

Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
There are lots of tempting flavours
For little pussy cat to munch
Rabbit snack, seafood crunch,
Jelly rich liver lunch

Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
Full of vitamins and goodness
for little pussy cat's tum tum
plus mono
sodium
glutamate
Yum yum yum

Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
Let's do the Cat Meat Conga
(here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty)
Cereals and protein for little pussy's cats din din
Lovely grub
In a tin
Eat it up Pussykin,
Pussykin, Pussykin, Pussykin...

Cats Don't Like The Rain

Rain drops pitter-patter,
Runnin' down your window
Heaven knows it's oh-so cold outside
How could I ever think of walkin' out that door,
As if I didn't need your love anymore.

Up above the clouds
The sun is always shining
Or so they say, though I'm really not that sure
How could I ever think of walkin' out that door,
As if I didn't need your love anymore.

Well I know sometimes I've treated you so badly
And I'm sorry if I caused you any pain
But you know me by now,
That's how I love you,
Just as true as you know cats don't like the rain.

Listen to the four winds blow,
I know you think I'm sleepin',
I love the way you touch me tenderly
How could I ever think of walkin' out that door,
As if I didn't need your love anymore.

Don't misunderstand me,
How can I explain?
Just remember, cats don't like the rain
Remember, cats don't like the rain
Just remember, cats don't like the rain.

Thanks to Helen Peucker for contributing this!

Download Link
(right click, "save link as")

mono, from Innes Book of Records tv show

Cezanne Says Anne

Annie went to art school
At the age of seventeen
Her drawings in a folio
To keep them looking clean
Her tutors all agreed
She had a certain "je ne sais quoi"
With her Modigliani body
And her face by Renoir

"I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"He does something for me.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"It's not what you see.
The power of nature is something to feel.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"To me he's surreal*."

They showed her Botticelli
Rembrandt, Bruegel, Ernst and Braques
And talked of chiaroscuro
Or the use of light and dark
But all they really wanted was to get her into bed
And everytime they tried it on,
This is what she said:

"I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"He does something for me.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"It's not what you see.
The power of nature is something to feel.
"I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"To me he's so real*."

Time went by so slowly
As in any school of art
She was all alone
Until the day she lost her heart
To a shy and gentle student
Whose name happened to be Paul
And so they hung their drawings
Side by side upon the wall

"I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"He does something for me.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"It's not what you see.
The power of nature is something to feel.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"To me he's surreal*."

"I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"He does something for me.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"It's not what you see.
The power of nature is something to feel.
I like Cezanne," says Anne,
"To me he's so real*."

* Neil told us it's both "surreal" and "so real"; he sings either one or both

Chalk and Cheese

My eyes are open, what do I see?
I see creation to some degree
The sun and moon, day and night
Big and small, wrong and right

Chalk and cheese, water and wine
I think our love needs a little more time
Time for each other, time to discover
That we got a lot in common
But it just takes time

I see beauty and decay
Pretty ladies makin' hay
Little babies, sad old men
It's been the same since God knows when

Chalk and cheese, water and wine
I think our love needs a little more time
Time for each other, time to discover
That we got a lot in common
But it just takes time

People come and people go
The world is round, as we all know
But what shape is Harmony?
How wide the space 'tween you and me?

Chalk and cheese, water and wine
I think our love needs a little more time
Time for each other, time to discover
That we got a lot in common
But it just takes time

Chalk and cheese, water and wine
I think our love needs a little more time
Time for each other, time to discover
That we got a lot in common
But it just takes time

Charlie Big Potatoes

Hold on!
He didn't say nothing
He was just sitting there all alone
in this low life bar
I said, "Hey,
Hey Charlie
Hey, how's it hangin'?"
He looked to me like he'd seen better days...

Who Charlie?
You talking about Charlie?
Yeah, Charlie
Charlie Who?
Big Potatoes
Charlie Big Potatoes?
Charlie Big Potatoes
You remember him?Sure do!

And how he used to get around?

Here comes Charlie
Look at him go
With his wild wheeled pickup
with the stereo
Hey there Charlie, who you gonna see?
Bet you're gonna call on Miss Rose-marie
Charlie is a gas
He's a real cool cat
You can ask him anything
And he'll tell you where its at.
Cabbage-white butterflies
Anything at all
Charlie holds the record
for the highest up the wall

I said , "Yeah man, I'm talking to you."
So we had this kinda man-to-man talk
You know like talking man to man
Mano-a-mano

"Shut the fuck up.""You shut the fuck up.""No, you shut the fuck up.""Fuck you!""Fuck you, you fuck!""Fuck you? I shut the fuck up last time!""Who gives a fuck who shut the fuck up last time?"

"Well, maybe the fuck gives a fuck about who the fuck shuts the fuck up!"

I guess you know the kind of thing by now...

"Not even for practice."

Ooh, wow!

Well... she was from Australia...
Eucalyptusly chardonnet... if you know what I mean...

Yeah, we know what you mean

Yeah its a shame about poor old Charlie
Hell of a guy
Hell of a guy
One hell of a guy
One hell of a guy
Guess he was really tore up

Hee hee!

Thanks to Paul Webster for the transcription!

I have always thought
in the back of my mind
    cheese and onions

I have always thought
that the world was unkind
    cheese and onions

       Do I have to spell it out?

                                                Oh, no

            Man and machine (man and machine)
                Keep yourself clean (keep yourself clean)
            Or be a has-been (ah ah)
            Like a dinosaur... oh oh oh

Man or device (man or device)
For everything nice (everything nice)
You'd better think twice (ah ah)
At least once more... oh oh oh

Man and machine (man and machine)
Keep yourself clean (keep yourself clean)
Or be a has-been (ah ah)
Like a dinosaur... uh ho!

Man or device (man or device)
For everything nice (everything nice)
You'd better think twice (ah ah)
At least once mo ho hore!

Man and machine (man and machine)
Keep yourself clean (keep yourself clean)
Or be a has-been (aahaah)
Like a dinosaur oh oh oh oh ho!

(Man or device)
Ooooh!
(Everything nice)

Download Link (right click, "save link as") John Peel sessions 1977. Starts with "this one's especially for you John." Don't know if he means John Peel or Lennon.

See how the good times roll
See how the good times roll
See how the good times roll away

Like ice in a drink
     invisible ink
        or dreams in the cold light of day
           The children of rock 'n roll
               never grow old
                     they just fade away...

All along the ocean floor
Unseen fish are swimming
High among the mountains
There are watchful eagles winging
Brown and wise, the forest eyes
Peek from their disguise
While the household fly with the compound eye
Sees one man a hundred times!

When I was a kid in school
I learned to read and write
And every morning in the hall
we sang with all our might
School days are happy days but
then you have to go
And it only takes two hours to put down
all you need to know

All along the ocean floor
Unseen fish are swimmin'
High among the mountains
There are watchful eagles wingin'
Brown and wise, the forest eyes
Peek from their disguise
While the household fly with the compound eye
Sees one man a hundred times

Now take a boy and take a girl,
together they could save the world
If at first they don't succeed,
each generation sows its seed
Where there's life there's hope they say
but death comes in the strangest ways
Sometimes fast and sometimes slow but
when it comes, you'll be the last to know

All along the ocean floor
Unseen fish are swimmin'
High among the mountains
There are watchful eagles wingin'
Brown and wise, the forest eyes
Peek from their disguise
While the household fly with the compound eye
Sees one man a hundred times

City of the Angels

An ordinary day in the City of the Angels
The temperature downtown was 85 and rising
On radio the Reverend Carwash
Proclaimed he was against abortion
Except in certain cases of rape
Involving different ethnic groups
While up and down the freeways
Expensive flesh was cruisin'
The clients of a plastic surgeon
Who was weeping on an analyst's couch

Paradise lost in the City of the Angels
Paradise lost pandemonium found (have a nice day!)
Paradise lost in the City of the Angels
Paradise lost pandemonium found
In the City of the Angels

Somewhere down in the valley
An innocent man was shot dead
By cops on a routine patrol
Looking for a rooftop sniper
When they challenged him and asked his name
They believed he was reaching for a gun
But it was only a medical card
That said he had a speech impediment
And on t.v. Mister MetamorPHOsis
Said he could name that tune in three
But Missus Tweedledum from Arkansas
Beat him when she did it in one

Paradise lost in the City of the Angels
Paradise lost pandemonium found (haaaave a niiice daaaayyy!)
Paradise lost in the City of the Angels
Paradise lost pandemonium found
In the City of the Angels

Come Out Into The Open

One two three!

The old brown rat that smiles all the while
Produced a cake with a file from his hat
"Don't leave me here," said the watersnake
And began to shake with fear
"I know him of old!" cried the unicorn
With his shiny horn of gold
"I'll shoot you down, come out into the open,"
Said the sad-faced clown

They heard not a word
And they sat around drinkin' all day
And the word was absurd
Because they'd taken all the mirrors away

"Don't make a fuss, there's no time to think,"
In a cloud of ink said the octopus
"Who needs proof?" said the transplanted pig
Adjusting his wig with his hoof
"It's a lovely day," said the doormouse
As his little house blew awaaay
"I'll shoot you down! Come out into the open,"
Said the sad-faced clown

Whoa!

Woo hoo!

But they heard not a word
And they sat around drinkin' all day
But the word was absurd
Because they'd taken all the mirrors away

Let it all shine on, let it twist and spin
I hope you win, dear John
"It's no crime," said the master spy
with a narrow eye, "Just a waste of time."
"Don't be juvenile, it's contempt of court,"
Said the judge with a snort at the trial
"I'll shoot you down! Come out into the open,"
Said the sad-faced clown

Woo woo hoo!

I'll shoot you down!

Come out into the open, let me see your face!

Alright!
Alright!
Alright!
Alright!

Come out into the open, let me see your face!

Concrete Jungle Boy

In my high rise shoes I can walk tall
I'm a concrete jungle boy
I can write my name all over a wall
I'm a concrete jungle boy

The teacher's a fool so I don't go to school
I just hang around playin' it cool

Snappin' my fingers, looking for fun
I'm a concrete jungle boy
Wearin' my shirt with the buttons undone
I'm a concrete jungle boy

The music is loud and I like it a lot
I got what it takes so I take what it's got

Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
You're nobody's mother's pride and joy

I got time to kill and money to make
I'm a concrete jungle boy
I don't do for real what I can fake
I'm a concrete jungle boy
I look at the world and I want my share
But though I keep moving I'm going nowhere

If I was a sinner, I would confess
But I'm just a beginner, I couldn't care less
All that I am is standing right here
Between my legs and between my ears

Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
You're nobody's mother's pride and joy


Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
Concrete jungle boy
You're nobody's mother's pride and joy

        Cool Britannia
            Britannia, you are cool
           Take a trip!
          Britons ever ever ever
           Shall be hip
             (Hit me! Hit me!)

Crystal Balls

I got m'hand up the skirt of Mother Nature
I got m'foot in the door of liberty
I got m'head stuck in the railings of reason
Thank God for the banjo on m'knee

Crystal balls  (balls!)
To fortune tellers
Reveal a swarm
of what-will-bees  (zoom zoom zoom zoom)
All in all   (all in all)
Like clocks and watches (BONG -  CUckoo!)
We got time on our hands and destinies

I've heard the squeal of tyres around a corner
I've broken down and I've been towed
I've seen everything I ever hoped and dreamed for
Squashed like a hedgehog in the road

Crystal balls  (balls!)
To fortune tellers
Reveal a swarm
of what-will-bees  (zoom zoom zoom zoom)
All in all   (all in all)
Like clocks and watches (BONG  CUckoo!)
We got time on our hands and destinies

Just give me wide open spaces and clean living
As long as I've a banjo to pluck
I'll sing to the cactus and coyotes
Hippity-hi, hippity-ho, que serarrr!

Crystal balls  (balls!)
To fortune tellers
Reveal a swarm
of what-will-bees  (zoom zoom zoom zoom)
All in all   (all in all)
Like clocks and watches (BONG -  CUckoo!)
We got time on our hands and destinies

(bum bum bum bum)

Crystal balls  (balls!)
To fortune tellers
Reveal a swarm
of what-will-bees  (zoom zoom zoom zoom)
All in all   (all in all)
Like clocks and watches (BONG -  CUckoo!)
We got time on our hands and destinies

The Innes Book of Records Crystal Balls The Fundamental Frolics Crystal Balls Rutland Weekend Crystal Balls